


止渴思梅 (the illusion in my grasp)

by HazardousDestiny



Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger
Genre: ?? i think it can be considered as one, Angst, Character Study, Established Relationship, F/M, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Pining, Sad, angsty cuz i made meself sad, between sophie and fitz ik and im sorry, its so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-21 06:53:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21070712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazardousDestiny/pseuds/HazardousDestiny
Summary: 止渴思梅: using one's imagination to soothe longings and wantings/ to console oneself with illusionsHe wishes and waits from the sidelines. He would do anything for her happiness. Even if that means waiting forever.A (possible) character study on Keefe Sencen and his relationship with Sophie Foster.





	1. better than no place at all

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this instead of sleeping. Or studying. It's finals month and I'm such a great student, aren't I?
> 
> (whoops.)

When he sees her, there's this rush of emotion that comes and makes him feel so grateful that he's the only Empath and not anyone else. It's a jumble and mix of strange-unforeseen- thoughts that all boils down to one simple thought-

He wants her _happy_.

Not the rush of relief that comes after a long battle to the death-but he wants her to be content and at peace.

_(He knows that his actions were fueled by desperation and childish naivety. It was never for greatness, nor glory, nor pride. Never. But it doesn't mean that he was proud of what he did.)_

He's able to recognise and label the emotions that he's feeling, but he's too scared to do so. When working against, with and surrounded by incredibly powerful elves, Keefe knew that one day almost all his secrets will be out in the open, regardless of him willing. Labelling these emotions would only bring Sophie more awkwardness and difficulty, so for now, he keeps his selfish thoughts to himself. 

But for all his supposed empathy, he couldn't help the person that he wanted to help the most. It pains him to see how the stress of being _her_ weighs on her, forcing her shoulders lower day by day. It was a destiny that she should’ve never have taken upon herself.

_(But without it, would she have even existed?)_

He knows that she'll never look at him with the same look in the eye that looks at his best friend, but he doesn't want Sophie to look at him in that same way. (That's his _best friend_, the one person he loved like a brother -still does; he once thought nothing would be able to come between them. Oh how he was wrong.)

He likes the look Sophie gives him, reserved for him _only_. She looks at him with the wanting of a shoulder to rely on, with the hope for some lightheartedness in the dark times that she's made to <strike>(made for)</strike> go through.

But he also doesn't like some of the looks that she reserves just for him. She's scared of him. Scared of what he's done, what his family's done.

He doesn't regret what he has done for the sake of discovering the truth, but he sometimes wonders if there was another way of going about what he did. (It gnaws at him at night in bed. The surrounding walls built on lies and pilfered crystals close in. He doesn't fully feel safe anymore, can't fully breathe in the darkness.)

He tries, really. He's tried so hard to help her, but it seems like it would never be enough. But it's okay._ It's okay. _

_(_ _It’s not.)_

He hopes that they're getting better. This tentative, not-quite relationship (not-quite friendship) that is in constant limbo. He tries to rectify his mistakes; he's never tried so hard for anything or anyone before (in a seemingly past life that was handed to him on a silver platter).

A silver platter built out of mistrust and hate and anger.

It says a lot about how he's more concerned about his friendship with this _(amazing, breathtaking, lifechanging)_ girl than his_ (dismissive, not particularly kind, never there when he needed them most)_ parents. And he would be just about anything to hold on to this relationship that they have.

(Has it only been so many years? It's felt like eternities have passed since they met, yet it also feels like barely any time has passed. So much has changed.)

He's is happy to be around Sophie Foster, but he can't help but want _more_.

To everyone and _everyone_ else, she's Sophie Foster, the moonlark. The strange, awkward girl- not quite an elf- with a strange family and stranger background. Her name is spoken about, whispered hurriedly in hallways and secret meeting with reverence, with suspicion, with fear.

She's always just been Sophie to him, the girl who's obsessed with Elvin culture and sweets (he will get as many as she wants if she asks him to, but she never does), the girl who's full of life, who's so _real_.

In a society filled with lies and whispers and aristocratic fragility, she shatters all the illusions that he had been brought up to believe (brought up _as_) with a simple touch.

He wishes that he could share her burden, but he knows that he will never be the person that she chooses to share with first. (He doesn't blame her and he’s grateful that she allowed him to stay; being second-third-last place is better than no place at all.)

That doesn't help how his heart skips a beat _(stumbling, falling, waiting for the inevitable crash to come-he knows what's going to happen and embraces it with open arms)_ when she looks up at him with that glint in her eye _(_his _glint, never for Fitz, not for anyone but for him and he cherishes each and every single time so _fiercely _that it scares him)_ and exclaims-

_-Keefe!-_

(He's not okay.)


	2. a drought yearning for a drop of your rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, I scared myself half to death by reading murder mystery manga in broad daylight and now I can't sleep. so new chap!!

"Keefe!" Sophie shouts his name from across the field, the single syllable phrased just so that he knows instinctively, that it came from her.

(He has used her voice against her will, his own lips shaping exactly how she would say it. Against the Black Swan; in the dark of the night, his mouth forming those words that he hoped that she would and wouldn't say, wondering how it would sound like coming from her.

_I love you._

_Don't leave me._

_I hate you._

_You're disgusting._

_Don't ever return._

He wonders what emotion would lie behind those words when she says them.) 

He turns around, half hoping, only for his heart to sink further. Evident even from a distance, was the clasped hands between Sophie and Fitz.

Don't get him wrong now, he's happy for them. That's why he raises his hand cheerfully in greeting instead of walking away.

(_You know why you couldn't walk away,_ a traitorous voice whispers, smoky tendrils creeping in the recesses of his mind. _Because explaining why you purposely walked away after you saw them opens up a whole 'nother can of worms._)

He hopes it'll get easier with time. That he'll stop feeling so disgusted with himself, loving his (almost) brother's girlfriend. That maybe one day he'll tell her outright, instead of silently pining. 

They smile at him as they walk over, keeping a respectable distance from himself while there left almost no space between the two of them. Keefe smiles at them, easily striking up a conversation about _what_ they were doing all the way on the other side of Havensfield, pretending to laugh at the way both their faces flush and redden as their connected rings scrape against each other. In return, Fitz jokingly asks why Keefe was doing outside all alone while the others were indoors, did Linh finally threaten to use the scissors on himself and Tam?

"Nah, she wishes she could. Besides, I'll still look just as dashing even without this glorious mane of hair. Can't say the same about Bangs Boy though...don't reckon it'll be a sight to see?" He tries his best to avoid the question, but based on the way that Sophie's mouth turned down while Fitz raised a delicate eyebrow, he couldn't hide it from his two closest friends. 

_Are you okay?_ A gentle voice sweeps through his mind, not entering but hovering on the edge of his subconscious. Keefe nearly cringes, tampering it down with a smile. All of them knows that it's forced, but no one bothers to comment. Did they become too used to him lying?

"It's getting a lil' too outside inside, yanno? All those people...how do you guys even deal with it?" It's not a lie. Ever since he saw them leaving, it just became overwhelming. Thinking about what they were doing alone, together. In the evening. The voices just became too loud. 

Was it strange for him to be alone? Keefe liked it. He didn't have to notice and worry about how others were feeling, how he had to phrase his words _just so_ to get that specific emotion. No second-guessing himself. Out in the empty openness, he could let himself loose to feel and _feel_ and get exactly what he wanted in return - 

Nothing. 

"We got used to it already, it's more of a habit to block thoughts out than not, kinda like yours," Fitz said everything so matter-of-factly, like everything around him was the truth. 

Until it wasn't. Then things around him got ugly. 

"We're heading back inside, it's getting colder now. You should head in soon."

"Yeah, see you guys."

They waved and walked away in tandem, Sophie reaching up to whisper something in his ear. An inside joke, probably.

It brings up something nasty in him. He doesn't want to see them like this. So he turns and walks away, the cool evening breeze ruffling through his hair. They're genuinely concerned for his wellbeing, but he can't help but doubt them. She's too good for him. But it's not like Keefe himself was good enough for her either.

But if Fitz was the one she wanted, then so be it. Doesn't mean that he'll be happy with it. He's planning on taking his time, slowing dulling the pain. That's the only thing he has anyways. Out here, no one would see his emotions as they fall. 

He took longer than expected to return to the warm house, even bumping into an anxious Sophie. 

"Where were you? Your food's gonna be taken by the others." She tries to make a joke out of her words, but the worry is radiating off her in waves. It twists something sharp in him. She worries too much over him.

"Got distracted." He shoves his hands into his pockets and looks down, kicking clumps of dirt. Keefe doesn't trust himself when he looks at her. (He still did, in the end.) He doesn't need to be a Telepath to know what she was worried about. "Don't worry your pretty head about me. I'll be fine." This was the only way he could slip compliments in now, through small jokes. Her red cheeks were probably because of the cold. 

Definitely because of the cold. "You're shivering. What happened to your cape?"

"Oh, I just left it behind because _someone_ decided that mid-winter nights were the best time to brood and they _didn't bring anything warm._ We were worried you were frozen out there. You're just wearing a shirt! How are you not cold?" He was, that was the sole reason that dragged Keefe to his feet reluctantly. Call him cheesy, but her presence was a nice distraction from the cold. It made it bearable. 

She was the flame and he the moth. The only thing he could do for now was to prevent her from burning herself out. 

"I don't get cold that easily. C'mon," he cheekily remarks, picking up his pace as Sophie swats him in the shoulder laughingly. "Your nose looks like it's about to fall off." 

“Because of _who_?" The dry and cracking ground crunched under their feet. In the distance, the snuffling of some unidentified animal could be heard, getting comfortable to go to bed. When he looks up, he could see the house, and the group of them waiting outside. Waiting for him. He meets Sophie's eyes with a small smile, eliciting one in return. It sparks something red-crackling hot in him.

If this is all he gets, then he'll happily take it.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you like it? Leave a comment below so I'd know if I should edit any of it...  
I may be adding more to it in the future, so watch this space!!


End file.
